8 Things We Love About the School Holidays (Part Two)

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The school holidays are drawing to a close and following on from 8 Things We Love About the School Holidays, we have now come to our senses and compiled a list of 8 reasons why the school holidays suck.

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Stay in your PJs all day

I'm not even sure if I showered yesterday.  It might seem like a grand idea to live in your "lounge-wear" but when you don't have to go out anywhere, there is really little point in dressing like a civilized person.  I ran out of milk the other day and had to sniff my shirt like a 17 year old boy before I went out into the world - a mole-person foraging among land-people at the grocery store.

Sleep in

Sure while it seems like a good idea, and it might even BE a good idea every so often, the reality is that it throws out EVERYTHING.  Sleep-ins are the butterfly in the Holiday Butterfly Effect.  Sleep-ins lead to late nights, leading to more sleep-ins and dropping naps (which can cause irreversible nap-dropping) and all of a sudden your child is awake at 10pm, ruining your evening with endless Frozen reruns and games of UNO.  For the love of GOD.  Stick to your normal bed-time routine.

No Lunchboxes

As much as I dislike making lunchboxes, once the task is done you pretty much have a free pass for the rest of the day feeding-wise (except dinner).  Holidays find me in the kitchen in an endless cycle of make food, clean-up, make-food, I'm STAAAARVING, clean up, thirsty, snacks, I just need a little something, what's for dinner, we've run out of milk, go to the shops, get home, we've run out of bread and he ate the last biscuit HELL.

No Homework

This is still good.

No need to rush breakfast

While it's true that I love a good breakfast, my kids expect a cooked meal every day over the holidays.  Actually they have one most days but on holidays they expect fantastical breakfasts. Mainly bacon.  They expect bacon.  There is a constant film of grease on everything.  Also they frequently eat chicken crimpies while waiting on bacon.  Some days they just have chicken crimpies and because it's holidays I don't care so much about protein filled brain-food.  They had Pringles for breakfast this morning.  And chocolate milk.  Straight from the container.  Look, it reduces washing up.  Don't judge.  

No Drop Offs

When it's school time, I drop the kids at school.  Then the children are at school.  They aren't in my house or my yard or following me around at the shops asking to buy stuff.  I don't have them asking me for food, to play games, for the wi-fi password that I've changed until they do their jobs, asking for money, to go to the movies, to have 17 friends sleep over or telling me they are BOOOOORED (my absolute favourite).  As much as I hate leaving the house, once I do THEY ARE GOOOOOONE.  

No Pickups

While I seem to spend my time picking kids up from their friends' places and dropping them off, not having to do afternoon pickups is still good.

Spending time with kids

Only three more days.  Three. More. Days.

I don't want to see their LEGO ship.  I don't care if they are a level 27 wizard who caught some egg and has a level twelve wolf-hound.  I built a fucking tree fort with them.  I seriously have a BEDFRAME up a tree in my backyard.  I don't want to play Monopoly.  I hate it.  I've ALWAYS hated it.  I always lose interest when I start losing and it goes for far too long.  I don't want to play snap or UNO or do colouring.  I don't want to watch Toy Story for the 49th time.  I don't want to go and look at this thing you HAVE to show me.  I don't want to take you and your stinky friends to the movies or the museum or to the park where I have to fend off green ants and pick bindis out of feet in the sun.  I want you to go the fuck back to school.

I know I will miss you again by next holidays and we will do this all over again.  Right now though, making lunches and doing the drop-off cannot come fast enough.

No Swear Week - Wrap up

We learned a few things during No Swear Week.  We learned that nothing really takes the sting out like a swear word. We also learned not to trust past results, Rachel who swore eleven times in our trial hour had a blinding start with ZERO for the first day, compared with Carlie's eight.  That initial result was an indicator of the week to come and the final results were clear.

Rachel

Only 12 swears in a week!  I haven't been that restrained since primary school.  I think I did so well because Carlie frightened me by suggesting that the loser wear hairy leg stockings with a skirt for a day.  I was derailed somewhat on day two when I had to negotiate an airport carpark but I managed to pull myself back together.  I found that silence was the best approach, so there was lots movie watching and of tea ordering via sign language.  In the end I've decided that swearing is good fun, but it's nice to know I can stop it when I need to.  

Carlie

I swore 36 1/2 times in the week which is far better than the hourly swear rate I usually run at.  It is school holidays and I've had literally about 30 people at my house including a family staying, lots of stinky teenagers in the stinky-teenage games room (Bat Cave), I moved the chicken coop (which included about four hours spent chasing chickens around because they prefer to roost on the ground where the old coop site was than actually go to the coop) and assisted in cubby-house construction consisting of hoisting a bedframe up a tree.  All in all I think 36 1/2 swears is a MIRACLE.  In fact, I think I should have a point reduction for every person I've had over at my house and every chook chased.

It DID show me how much I swear and I have no intention of going back to my previous level of Mining Town Trucker.  I'm hoping to land somewhere in the M rated movie range.  With Rach's results she will be going for Sunday School Teacher.  I'm not bitter about it and it was a great use for my beautiful dress.  Really I'm not bitter.

 

So Carlie had to jump in the pool.  She was a very good sport and dressed up specially.  You have to watch the video on Facebook because we're not clever enough to put it in the post...

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Arsehole Cats

Cats are arseholes.  Before I bring the internet down on my head, maybe I should clarify.  My cat is an arsehole.

Every morning when I wake up I go into my ensuite, Arsehole Cat follows me in and lies in the sink.  It will not get out when I want to wash my hands, even if I turn the tap on.  Washing your hands while a cat sits in the sink is as bad as it sounds.  Arsehole Cat will then roll over and stare at the ceiling.  Looking at the room upside down from the sink is apparently quite fulfilling.   

The other morning Arsehole Cat outdid itself.  First it flushed the toilet for me.  While I was sitting on it.  Toilet water on my butt is gross.  Very very gross.  

An immediate shower was required.  However she wasn’t finished.  She then sat on top of the shower door, continually pulling the door open when I closed it.  

Trying to escape, I finished my shower but Arsehole Cat then proceeded to rub itself all over my (previously) clean leg, leaving it’s disgusting Lonely-Person-Glitter (fur) everywhere.    My kids say she’s being affectionate but I know she was deliberately antagonising.  She’s plotting to take control.  Arsehole Cat is very lucky my kids are fond of it.  

Why didn’t we get a dog?

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8 Things We Love About the School Holidays

Are your kids on holidays?  We here at HSD all love the school holidays.  Most of our reasons are related to laziness, but who’s judging?  

8 things we love about the school holidays

You can stay in your PJs all day

Every day is pyjama day when you’re on school holidays.  Three cheers for drawstring pants. (Actually I do occasionally drive the kids to school in a complete PJ ensemble, including dressing gown and slippers, so it could be said that it’s pyjama day every day in my house.)

Sleep in

Every day. If your kid can go to school they’re old enough to work the TV remote.  

No lunchboxes

I fucking HATE making lunches.  I hate the shit-fight to find the lunch containers.  I hate delving into the school bag and finding leftover salmon/egg salad from a month ago and needing to build a Guy Fawkes bonfire to incinerate the whole bag.  This has actually happened.  More than once.  The most memorable of which was when we went away on an interstate driving holiday and came home a fortnight later to the Glasgow Kiss of nostril street fighting.  
Tuna salad with hard boiled eggs.  
Locked house.  
Australian summer temperatures.

No homework

Homework sucks.  It sucks for kids and parents alike.  I don’t want to sit and supervise stuff they don’t want to do.  I’d prefer to be kicking a ball or going for a swim.  Who am I kidding?  I’d prefer to be watching a sitcom and eating chips.

No need to rush breakfast

You aren't competing in the pressure cooker round of MasterChef to get the kids to eat something healthy in under 17 seconds before they have to leave.  Today we had frittata at the very respectable holiday hour of 10am.  

No drop offs

Having to herd children out the door, after a mediocre attempt at all the previous tasks can be enough to break a person.  There’s usually lots of shouting about tooth brushing, unstacking dishwashers and animals being fed, a frantic search for the cleanest pair of socks and a lost home-reader as well.  There are also the days when you get 5k down the road and realise you’ve forgotten their lunchbox.

No pick ups

You drop the kid/s at school, pick up some groceries, get home and just settle in to do SOMEthing when all of a sudden you get the call.  Your kid has stomach cramps and you have to go back and get them.  Seriously.  It feels like you were only there five minutes ago.  Picking them up almost sucks more than having to get them ready and dropping them all.  9 times out of 10 the cramps are gone within the hour and they’re happily playing on the Wii for the rest of the day.

Spending time with the kids

It feels like you’ve spent the last three months as a sergeant major, shouting orders, demanding, pushing, pulling to get work done, get chores done, get to sport, music and scouts.  It's nice to just talk to each other about shit that isn’t pressured and academic and play a board game, climb a tree, bake some bikkies or have a movie marathon instead.  It’s absolute bliss to have it all removed for just a couple of short weeks so you can just chill the fuck out and hang out enjoying your shared love of being unproductive and slovenly.  

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No Swear Week

As part of the 101/1001 list we somehow thought it would be a great idea to not swear for a week.  For those who know us, however, we can hear you laughing from three states away.  Thanks for your support.

So starting this morning, we will be not swearing for 168 hours.  We won’t be swearing while we write.  We won’t be swearing with our mouth-words and we will even try to stop thinking swear words.  

I think that means if I don’t talk, drive my car or interact with any other human being I should be safe.   At this stage I feel it will be best if I don’t talk for the whole week.

The kids will be safely locked in the pantry.

Can we manage to not swear for a whole week?

When we decided to take on this 101/1001 Double Dare, we thought it would be a good idea to have a practice run.  Actually Rachel was confident and thought it would be fine to just start it and do it.  I thought we might need some dry runs.

No Swear Week - Trial Run

9.39am Let’s start, no swearing for the next hour

9.41am Rachel swears

9.43am Rachel swears again

9.45am Rachel swears again

Obviously she’s on some kind of two minute roster.  Hate to think how much she swears when she’s not trying to restrain herself.

9.48am Rachel again, a minute late, she’s getting better at this.

9:56am Trying to decide on swear replacements.  What a…?  Rachel accidentally swears as added emphasis on replacement swear.

10.00am Rachel swears.  Obviously that strategy was not successful

10:03am Does singing along to beastie boys count as swearing?

10:07am Resisted swearing about people putting poetry on facebook - she’s making progress.

10.13 Rachel swears.  Nearly cracked 6 minutes

10.15am Rachel swears.  O.M.G. she can’t stop.

10.36am Rachel swears again but it’s a new record of 21 minutes!

One hour is up.  Carlie zero swears.  Rachel ELEVEN.  To be fair Rachel wouldn’t notice if I swore so this tally may not actually be accurate.

We’ll be recording lapses on a chart with our kids as adjudicators.  The person who swears most has to jump, fully clothed (no phones in pockets) into the freezing pool.  No swearing.

This is going to be a fucking interesting week.

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